I had met the news of my cancer diagnosis with courage, but it was a rigid stance which kept my fears and the fears and anxieties of family and friends at arms length. It was a form of holding on, of clinging as the Buddhist in me would say! Facing facts, that is certainly something that I have always endeavoured to do in my life. I had learnt that looking at facts evokes a whole host of emotions fear, courage, anger, tears. And I had learnt that every one of the emotions needs to be lived with without taking one’s eyes off the facts.
My journey over the last 40 months has been one of relaxing and letting go. Embracing the life that I was living fully and wholeheartedly. My Tibetan doctor, Dr Yonten, has been my companion and guide on this journey. “Mr Ananth, we all are going to die!” this is the first thing I heard Dr Yonten say to me.
It was quite an extraordinary experience to have encountered a medical practitioner who spoke so calmly and peacefully about the facts. Always meeting me and my thoughts and feelings with openness and compassion. Allowing them to be, while gently suggesting what he considered the preferred course of action. He has over this time opened my heart and mind further and further.
My consultations with him have been about all of myself as one whole - the body of course- but not just the body but the mind and spirit too.
My life partner almost always accompanied me to those consultations and Dr Yonten had a wonderful impact on her too. He reaffirmed for her, the strong commitment and support that she manifested for my well being while also gently moving her towards a more relaxed way of looking at the situation.
At the physical level I have experienced very little discomfort or pain even though I have been through the full regimen of radiation, chemotherapy and surgery. And for the last 30 months I have lived with a metastatic tumour in the Liver with the support of the Tibetan medicines and homeopathy alone. I attribute my sense of physical well being and energy (I walked an average of 20kms a day for over 2 years) to the Tibetan medicine.
Cancer has been a gift to me. It has made me let go of the ideas of a good life that I was holding onto and being fully present to the events that were unfolding in front of me.
Life has been quite challenging in multiple and significant ways that are unrelated to the cancer. My granddaughter died within minutes of coming into this world -apparently a congenital heart condition that prevented the circulation from shifting from the placental system to the lungs.
Thanks to the experience of facing the ‘bolt from the blue ‘ that cancer was, I was able to use each of these jolts as opportunities to let go. It has been wonderful.
The nine months -from September 23 to May 24- have been very intense - I helped Kavitha (my life partner) in her work as an activist with the mission to strengthen democracy and defend the constitution. Extensive travel to distant places which were our target parliamentary constituencies, long mentally hyperactive days of campaigning that were physically slothful.
And once again the surge of restless frustration and the reliance on food as an outlet for the inner churn surfaced.
Rather than blame the circumstances for my inner state and try to change them, I am able to pretty consistently see everything as an opportunity to rediscover balance amidst the activity by further letting go and relaxing.
Now back in Bangalore and home base. Coffee and hanging around. Playing chatGPT to former work colleagues and friends. Holding my daughter’s hand. Enjoying watching her and her husband put the tragedy behind in a sensible way and move forward in a way that demonstrates a trust in life has been lovely. She will be a mother in October.!! And me a grandfather 😁😁❤️❤️
Kavitha and I. Our love for each other has grown and deepened in what I think of as a spiritual way. We hold hands and walk on streets, have explosive quarrels that last shorter and shorter periods of time and leave almost no residue. The intensity of working together on the elections has pushed our relationship along nicely.
Kavitha and I will move to Mysore in a couple of months or so. A wise move it seems. Slower, more manageable pace,cheaper (coffee is just as good and the price is 2/3 😁) but literally a couple of hours, from Bangalore where daughter is! Kavitha has friends and a work community (that works with farmers and organic agriculture) in Mysore and can better imagine living there beyond my time. Who knows! I may yet outlive her😊.
I am once again entering the river of losing weight, being in ketosis to slow the cancer, fasting etc. again it is a wonderful new experience. You can never enter the same river twice!
I have become genuinely curious about “how this will all end”. It seems incredible that this mind and body which have arisen will disaggregate bit by bit and will fall back into its constituent elements!
And I am thrilled (excited and terrified ) to have a ringside seat.